One thing that I have experienced since I have been back home is boredom. I am bored all the time. There is nothing to do! I would like to just go hang out with people all day everyday and never be home, but the parents do not care for that kind of behavior. They like me being at home; this way they can boss me around and make me do things: like loading the dishwasher and taxiing my brother and sister around town. Not cool. I do understand that I have responsibilities and I am not trying to avoid them. Its just, after I have traveled the world, and lived on my own, it is hard to come back into a household where you can hardly make any decisions without something getting pissed off at you for one reason or another.
You may say I sound childish (If you are an older person reading this). But please think for one second: If you are an older adult, after living on your own, making all of your own decisions, and not being told what to do, you KNOW it would be extremely hard and somewhat annoying coming back to live in your parents home with younger siblings and being told what to do 24/7. I actually have to ask permission to leave the house again; this seems almost like a foreign concept to me! And of course parents do not understand. If we live under their roof, we follow their rules!
So needless to say, I am stuck in the house for a majority of the time being so completely lazy it is beginning to be unbearable. I need more adventure in my life! The TV, computer, reading, the computer, (did I mention the computer?) are just not quite cutting it out for me anymore. I do get to hang out with friends on a fairly regular basis, but I need to be entertained every day. (Ok, some days I like to just relax and not be bothered, but this is besides the point!) When I want to go out and do something, I want to go out and do something, no questions asked. That would be lovely.
Moral of the situation: This is what I just sent on chat to Steve and it fit the main idea quite nicely: "true.... but after living an adventure everyday of my life for the past three months.... sitting at home on a tuesday night alone is kind of boring"
Alone is a key word we need to keep in mind for the rest of this post.
Now, my next train of thought that ties in somewhat nicely with the first. My parents would have liked this, Other people may say this would help with the boredom and freedom policy, and I would LOVE the income, BUT I don't want a job right now. Ok I lie, I would love a job right now, and I could have had one (most likely). I was just to scared to walk back in that store and hand over my application. I couldn't bring myself to do it, I feared rejection. Rejection that I couldn't make the cut in the busy season, or that I had been gone to long and didn't still have a tight enough reign on the ropes. Now I just feel pathetic, I try and hide myself every time I pass that store. Which is all the time of course since It is Christmas time; I am always in the mall.
With the job situation is also the "will I get a car or not" situation, because I need to pay for part of it. It probably would have not been a problem had I had a job. I really need a car next semester, which means I really really REALLY need a job next semester. Which is where more of the fear sets in. I am beginning to prepare for the hardest semester yet. It is going to be so tough, I know you can hardly even imagine; and with a job on top of that!? I don't quite know how I am going to handle it, or if I even can. I am beginning to freak myself out that I will not be able to take what is coming to me. The future is so scary all of a sudden! I just want to go back overseas where life was perfect and where I had money. I have never been this scared of the future before, I have never had a problem with taking the future on. (Although writing about this is calming me down just a little).
I guess I became rather fearful and almost depressed the other day because it wasn't only money, and a job, and school, and a car I was worried about. I was also [not necessarily fearful] but depressed rather about being alone. I believe this ties my "boredom" and fearfulness all in together. For the past three months I have been completely surrounded by friends. They were not just normal friends either, they were more like family. Approx 40 of us lived together, ate together, argued [together], and loved together. We were always there for each other. Whenever we had a problem there was always someone to turn to. Since I have been home I am no longer surrounded constantly by someone else. I have been spending a lot of time on my own, and I am just not entirely used to that anymore. Granted there are times when I got sick of every single person on that trip, and it was nice to get away, and alone, for a little while.
I obviously have a few issues to sort out, and a few trials to face, but I know I will get through them! OH! and one other thing: I am just not quite in the Christmas spirit, and that is a bit depressing as well. But anyways, something will work out. I supposed I just need to get readjusted to awful life back in the states (Ok, its not THAT awful! haha). I just love to complain, but now that I have all of the complaints I can currently think of spilled out on this blog, I will sleep better tonight. Getting things off your chest is the first step to feeling better and more ok about the situation. So with that being the case, I am going to sign off and take a shower, and text someone, and get some sleep. Until next time!
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